For every decent, or at least amusing, reality show, there is an equally disgusting program. These are some of the the shows that make you wonder, who thought this was a good idea?

Trying to keep tabs on everyone WBC hates is more confusing than their rhetoric. Here's a quick and easy guide to some of the individuals and groups, denounced by Reverend Phelps and his followers.

I hate to say "I told you so", but I've been a fan of breasts for many years, and now I know why. According to this CNN video, which I did not bother to watch, breast-fed kids get better grades. The title of the video makes one thing perfectly clear to me: before a test, put a boob in your mouth. Maybe even multiple boobs. And in case you disagree, I'd like to point out that I was breast-fed as an infant, which means I can never be wrong. Feel free to pass this on to any women in your life who have been stingy in their breast deployment. If they continue on that path, they're against education. Simple as that.

Ukrainian Parliament

In a cynical age of constant media and shameless consumerism, it's nice to find a story that reminds you what Christmas is really about: simmering anger that inevitably builds to an eruption of violence. The Ukrainian parliament recently brawled over... um... you know what? Who cares? It's Christmas. According to Ukrainian officials, this Parliamentary brawl was "worse than normal". Keep in mind that Ukraine is the place where Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned during his 2004 presidential bid. Definitely watch the video; it's at the end of the article. I might move here.

Anyone who has owned a cat, knows how they are with snow.

As some of you may have guessed, my thoughts on Christmas are a little conflicted. It's not like I have a vendetta against it like some people think. I mean, good for them. They managed to co-opt the solstice celebration. I'm not crazy about it, but it's not like I don't put up a tree and a few wreaths.

The thing that drives me nuts is the Santa Claus thing. Namely the notion that I invented Santa Claus to take the spotlight off Jesus during his birthday. Some say his name is "Santa" because it's just "Satan" with the "N" placed in front of the "T". I feel slightly insulted by the notion that I can turn into a serpent on a whim and tempt Eve out of paradise, but that when concocting a campaign to influence every Christian child in the world for hundreds of years I would just spell my name with a few letters switched around.

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Let's hear it for Ozzy!!!

Yes it’s Tuesday, but that doesn’t mean the week is gone; we still have four more days to fail at everything we’ve set out to accomplish on Monday. Like telling you why this week is going to be awesome. Keep on reading, we have proof! 


1. There are 10 more days until Christmas. This means you have just enough time to shop for decent presents without everything being sold out (and don’t forget about free shipping). You still have time to make those cool photo books in iPhoto instead of buying another framed picture or those horrible electronic picture frames which never look good and never work. You have just enough time to send out Christmas cards and perhaps even hand write them instead of doing a Google search of “Fat Santa Sitting At The Computer” and sending it out to everybody like you’re Corky from Our House. There’s still time to break up with your girlfriend and not look like a dick (cut off date is, like, today tho). You can also take these 10 days to invite as many ladies over to your place as you can to watch Love Actually and try to get laid. Other Christmas movies might work, but this one is the best. And quickly, you have 10 days to eat, sleep, drink, smoke, gamble and commit just about any act of excess without it looking too bad. It’s Christmas after all.

2. Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are divorced. Now it’s in poor taste to celebrate any one's heartbreak, but please. This is not only a victory for the Free The World’s Boobs From Douche Movement, but victory for those us delusional enough to think they might someday have a chance with Scarlett.

3. THIS IS THE WEEK WE SOLVED AIDS - Kinda! An HIV-man who underwent stem-cell treatment transplant has been cured as a result of the procedure. This seems like good news for science and bad news for zombies because we’re gonna cure that ailment next! 


4. It’s this easy to rip off a casino these days. Remember in Oceans 11 when Brad Pitt had to hire a little Asian man and 10 other movie stars to break into a Casino and rob the crap out of it? Well it turns out that was all just a waste of fake, Hollywood money! All you need to do is walk into a casino with a motorcycle helmet on your head and in two minutes you’re a millionaire! 


5. You have 15 days to find or hire a date for New Years Eve. This is a long time to find a date, even for losers, which is why we mentioned you also hire a date because that is always more fun. 


Have a great rest of the week!

My consultation with Genghis Khan notwithstanding, the real front lines of this war are in Australia, where Victorian Premiere Ted Ballieu has taken on the Scrooge role and told everyone in Parliament that just because they're the government, they shouldn't be drunk on the job - even during Christmas! At least the article features a picture of a really cool tray that holds 8 glasses of beer. I bet that tray was headed to someone who, like Mr. Ballieu's colleagues, understands the true meaning of Christmas: making sure you pass out face-down in a safe area.

Like all people who don't consult the Bible to solve practical problems, I'm at war with Christmas. I wish people "Happy Holidays" , promote the idea of Santa Claus in order to deflect attention away from the role of the Christ-child, and accentuate the pagan elements of the celebration in favor of the Christian ones, which are in extreme danger with our country maintaining a paltry incidence of Christians at a mere 76%. And why wouldn't I? I stand to gain so much from the effort, I really can't afford not to. But we need a shot in the arm. So I'm mining the great war-mongers of the past for material. What do say, Genghis? How would you attack Christmas?

Genghis Khan: Well, first I'd find a few stores that feature religiously neutral decorations, like holly, wreaths, and maybe even some Kwanzaa stuff, because they'd clearly be part of the war effort. I'd absorb them into my army and ride to a store that has the nerve to wish people "Merry Christmas" when they check out. While riding we'd drag yule logs behind our horses to kick up extra dust and give the appearance of greater numbers. When I arrived at the store, let's say it's a Wal-Mart in Texas, I'd explain to the manager that he can either surrender, or everyone in the store can be killed. Then I'd camp out that night, instructing my soldiers to each light 3 Christmas trees apiece instead of just one, again to give the impression of greater numbers. We'd probably light a few Menorahs as well, just to show how at war with Christmas we really are. Naturally, there would be no praying.

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Seriously, I love the people who narrate these videos. Their insights are so...insightful.

Make hay when the sun shines. That's David Beresford-Redman's motto. After ignoring the media since his son, Bruce, who is a former producer of Survivor, was accused of murdering his wife in Mexico, David decided he'd make the media work for him. To sell cars. He handed out fliers to reporters the other day, promising an on-camera interview to the organization that found buyers for the three vehicles. The '03 Porsche Targa was described as a "gorgeous, fast, clean car". I've got no reason not to believe him, and I don't want to risk pissing his son off by bad-mouthing his car. Of course, the most interesting aspect of this story is that DBR is one of those guys who wears brown-tinted sunglasses, which I thought only existed in pictures of my Dad and uncles from the seventies. The Beresford-Redmans are no relation to rapper Redman.

Christmas. Yeah, we're going there. I never said this would be a smooth ride. Christmas is of course the celebration of the day Jesus was born and placed in a manger because there was "no room at the inn". Seriously?  Who was running this inn? Messianic prophecy or not, it's a couple who had a baby 5 minutes ago, you can't make some space? Hell wouldn't even pull that shit, and we're talking about a place that dedicates an entire high-rise to gleefully forcing glass shards under the eyelids of false witnesses.

Christmas is also the beginning of Christmastide, the so-called 12 days of Christmas, made famous in the song of the same name. Allow me to take a breath before going into this one. Let's think about this. The first 4 days, the singer's "true love" - and I put that in quotations because I'm not sure I buy that designation for reasons I'll explain - gives her (Yeah, her. I've lived so long I stopped counting my age when we went from Roman to Arabic numerals, and I can tell you this: chicks don't buy guys multiple swans. Sorry boys, ain't gonna happen.) a partridge (with tree), 2 turtle doves, 3 french hens, and 4 colly birds. The song seems to suggest that these things are stacked every day, so on the first day it's a partridge in a pear tree, and on the second day it's 2 turtle doves and a second partridge in a pear tree, and so on. I'm going to assume that's not the case, and that each subsequent mentioning of a gift is a reference to the original, and not a duplicate gift. If I'm wrong, then what I took to be merely absurd is actually whatever is above absurd. Preposterous?

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In preparation of Lindsay Lohan (and her inevitable prison stint), let's look at other celebrities who have spent time in jail or prison.

Well, it's happened again. You've blasted through another year and suddenly it's Thanksgiving again. We do a big Thanksgiving down here. It's a good holiday for a diverse crowd, since it's secular and you don't really need to explain much, even to people who have never heard of it. Have a big feast, open a few bottles of wine. Everybody "gets it". And holidays that center around cooking are big in Hell, since heat is easy to come by in a lake of fire that burns hotter than the hottest earthly flame.

I'm hosting this year like I always do. It used to be a real treat for everyone to come to my place, since I lived in the most exclusive neighborhood in all of Hell. Guests would make jokes like "What's the cover charge going to be?" But while my neighborhood was nice when I moved in, it's pretty shitty now. One of the hazards of eternity, I guess, unless you want to move every hundred years. Now the place is really run down and all the businesses have left. I knew we'd hit the skids when I drove by a Souplantation with my neighbor Ron and he said, without irony, "It would be really cool if we could get one of those". It's come to that. Now people make jokes like "Yeah, we'll be there, just let me get my flak jacket out of the attic".

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